Sunday April 22

Where the Bad Kids — and the Readers — Go: Dale E. Basye’s Heck

There are a few things you don't expect to see in a young adult book. Somewhere near the top of the list would probably be Hell. Fiery depths? Eternal torment? Isn't that a little bit rough for this age group? But that's what makes Dale E. Basye's Heck so surprising, and so great. Basye takes his crazy premise and pushes it to silly and ridiculous extremes. The result is a fast-paced, witty, and incredibly fun book.

It would be hard to list all the things that this book gets right. First things first: It's hilarious. Roald Dahl gets a lot of credit for writing wickedly funny books that appeal to children's darker sense of humor. But, really, he has nothing on Basye. In the first chapter alone, Heck's two young protagonists, Milton and Marlo, are done in by a freak marshmallow accident. Now that's a gutsy move! But it's all done with perfect timing and tone, and the book is darkly comic, instead of just being dark.

Most of the humor comes from gloriously gross things. Each demon that Milton and Marlo meet in Heck is more disgusting than the last, and each punishment is crazier and more severe. The feel of the book is over the top, with each chapter topping the next with its inventive ideas and sickening situations. It will have kids laughing aloud, because it's clearly for them and them alone. No adults allowed!

Throughout Heck, you can sense how much fun the author had writing each page. While reading, I kept imagining what his brainstorming sessions were like, and wishing I had been there. ("Well, if kids go to Heck, then the principal has to be the devil! And instead of pitchforks, everyone should have sporks!") Every page is chock-full of clever ideas, puns, and wordplay. It's impossible not to get caught up in the excitement.

However, for all its wacky monsters and bizarre locations, the book still rings true. Every ironic punishment feels like something kids actually experience (trips to the principal's office, wearing horrible clothing, etc.). Even better, Milton and Marlo are smart and dynamic kids surrounded by idiotic adults. And really, what preteen doesn't feel like that?

A surprisingly sweet aspect of the book is the brother and sister relationship between Marlo and Milton. This is the most accurate portrayal of that dynamic I've read in a long time. They get on each other's nerves. They live to bother each other, and often want nothing to do with each other. But underneath it all, you can see the tender feelings that they would never admit having. The negativity makes their sibling relationship feel more real, but the affection between the pair makes you root for them to pull together in the end.

In short, Heck is super fun. It's adventurous, exciting, and laugh-out-loud funny, and should be catnip for preteens. For avid readers, there are plenty of more Heck books after this initial one in the series. And for reluctant readers, this is the first book that I would throw in their direction.

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Excerpt: Heck: Where the Bad Kids Go by Dale E. Basye; illustrated by Bob Dob In Generica, Kansas, Christmas wasn’t something you felt in the chill of the winter air or the warmth of a generous smile. It was announced by the sixteen-foot tower of crystal angels at Grizzly Mall—the Mall of Generica.

And this year was no different—at first. Exhausted shoppers filed by, momentarily entranced by the shimmering, heart-faced, bare-bottomed cupids. That is, until Marlo Fauster smashed them to bits with the oar she’d stolen from Spoiled Sports Sporting Goods.

“Let’s go!” shrieked Marlo, a blue-haired, thirteen-going-on-thirty-year-old girl, to her gangly younger brother, Milton. Shards of shining wings and harps rained down around them.

The two children bounded across the showroom floor, Marlo running with a look of fierce determination and Milton running out of pure fear. Unbeknownst to both of them, they were also running out of time.

Milton had spent most of his young life avoiding trouble: staring at his shoes, shuffling along unnoticed, ducking away from tense—or even remotely interesting— situations for fear of their potentially dangerous potential. He only felt truly safe when tucked between the covers of a book, experiencing life secondhand.

Marlo, however, was a different story.

Too far was where Marlo lived. If something didn’t involve petty (and not-so-petty) crime, it just wasn’t worth doing.

Maybe it was all just a cry for attention. Unfortunately, Marlo’s latest acts of thievery and vandalism were drawing far too much attention. At least that’s how Milton saw it through his thick, Coke-bottle glasses as his sister dragged him toward his untimely demise.

They ran past stunned shoppers into the mall concourse, Marlo waving her oar as if rowing furiously through a human sea. Milton fought to keep up.

“That should buy us some time from security!” Marlo squealed with manic glee. It was at times like this, Milton thought, that he was in the presence of—and grudgingly related to—a new kind of evil.

“And you should have bought that stupid oar!” Milton replied, panting.

“Why would I buy an oar?” she asked, giving Milton’s arm a sadistic twist. “We live in Kansas, short bus.”

The two siblings darted around a corner and burst into the Grizzly Mall food court.

“Then why . . . ?” Milton stammered in front of Tongue Thaied.

“For the sport of it,” Marlo said with pride. “If I pull this off—the most conspicuous holiday heist in Grizzly Mall history—I’ll be a modern-day Kleptopatra.” She paused dramatically, her dark eyes twinkling with reflected Christmas lights. “The stuff of shoplifting legend. And all that expensive makeup is just icing on the cake.”

Milton stared at the pink Goodbye Puppy bag underneath his arm as he trotted onward.

“So all this makeup . . . you didn’t need me to just hold it for you back at the cosmetics counter . . . I . . . I just stole . . . lip gloss?”

“And Suburban Blight cheek bronzer with free-radical scavengers and lipid-rich amino moisturizers,” Marlo said while descending an ascending escalator. She grinned. “Welcome to the life, my gullible little apprentice. You are but putty in my skillful hands.”

Behind them, a full-bodied mall security guard lumbered in hot pursuit. Another chunky-style defender of mall law soon joined him, slurping down a smoothie.

Milton looked behind him. Despite their weight being nearly double their IQ, the guards were closing in.

“I can’t believe you tricked me into stealing for you!” Milton barked in his squeaky, just-turned-eleven voice.

Marlo snickered. The fact that she could run clad in several layers of black thrift-store dresses, holding an eight-foot oar, and still manage to maintain a superior attitude was impressive.

“You might get all the A’s in the family, but I certainly aced you,” she snorted, her black lips catching on a fang.

Milton and Marlo rushed into the mall’s massive atrium, joining a crowd gathered around a white, globby sculpture. A fierce marshmallow bear, frozen in mid-attack, loomed over the horde of gawking Genericans. Below the twenty-foot-tall sugary bruin was a banner declaring “Welcome to Grizzly Mall: Home of the State’s Second-Largest Bear-Themed Marshmallow Statue!”

Marlo’s oar sliced through the mass of shoppers like a thin, wooden shark fin.

“Try to blend,” she whispered to her trembling brother.

Milton squished the pink bag of lipstick, fruit-scented creams, and vials of pricey gosh-knows-whats under his armpit. Despite the heat radiating from the mob, Milton shivered. Something—or someone—was near, something so cold that it robbed the heat from his very bones. He squinted through his thick glasses and noticed a dark smudge. He wiped his lenses, but the stubborn smudge was still there, hovering on the edge of the crowd that filled the atrium. The dark smudge was a boy.

A hulking boy. A cruel boy. A boy all too familiar to Milton. A boy who, in many ways, resembled a smudge. A boy whose eyes were dull, dark, wicked slits. A boy whose skin was like puffy, freckled dough that gave off a sickly sweet smell like rotting fruit. A boy named Damian.

Damian sneered at Milton and ran his grubby finger across his throat as he lurched from the mall commons into the heart of the mall. Milton gulped and shut his eyes. On the insides of his eyelids, however, he replayed scenes of Damian’s notorious cruelty, all of which—unfortunately—starred Milton.


From the Hardcover edition.
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Dale E. Basye

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